Don't Panic, Their Just People

10/22

After chatting with Kylie last night while walking home from taco night at the Palace (we made tortillas from scratch), I have determined that I must have some form of social anxiety disorder. I’m sure this has already been confirmed by those of you who know me well, but I haven’t really been taking it seriously. Turns out it may be more of a problem than I initially anticipated, I simply can’t function in group dynamics. So how am I supposed to advance in the scientific field if I freeze up whenever a crowd forms? You can’t express your thoughts and ideas to a wide audience if all you want to do is flee in front of that audience. Damn you evolution and you tweaked fight or flight response; which has kept us from being eating by predators but is now causing me to produce a dampening chemical response that basically turns me comatose whenever I have to interact with people I haven’t known for years. This is most likely a combination of genetics and my lack of self esteem as a child, but man it really puts a limitation on your social life as an adult. I’ve noticed lately that I rely on alcohol to help subdue inhibitions, and become more comfortable around people, which is not exactly the healthiest solution to the problem.

This all hit me a few days ago during one of our nightly debriefs. I literally started to feel extremely tense and isolated. It felt like the walls were closing in around me and the chatter of all the conversations around me began to sound like a symphony of out of tune string instruments. I couldn’t focus on what was being said, and my brain simply turned to mush. All I could think about was a way out. Then my hands started shaking like I was sitting in a bath of ice. This all climaxed when debrief ended and everyone was mingling and stirring around me. Finally I cracked and bailed for the beach to catch my breath, which was becoming short and irregular. This happens more frequently than it used to now, and it’s getting worse.

About the only thing that allows me cope with this issue is surfing. It has really been the only time during this project that I’ve felt comfortable. Plus the warm water and exercise is very therapeutic, and helps me collect my thoughts and prepare for my next encounter with people. I’ve noticed that the few things that make me truly happy in life relate to isolation. Perhaps that’s why I’ve developed such a strong interest is seabirds. I think I idolize their lifestyle. They spend months, sometimes years alone at sea. They have brief encounters while on the water, and will flock if their food source is abundant; but in generally are solitary by nature. The only time they have to worry about large flocks of con-specifics is during the breeding season, which is short lived and to the point. Seabirds work hard to make a living, and are constantly searching for something better. And I think more suitably, they don’t choose this lifestyle; it is pre-determined through millions of years of evolutionary progression. They couldn’t sustain themselves on land in large flocks even if they wanted to.

10/26

HARC is over, time to pack up the bag again (which is getting heavier has the months progress), and get back on the plane. It has been a long 4 weeks, not what I expected, but in retrospect it was still I worthwhile experience. I spent more time hiking up and down Emu Mountain than bobbing around in a boat, but that’s what I get for being so damn good at the theodolite. I’ve learned a lot about why I freak out around large groups of people, but I’m not sure if I’ve done anything about it. It’s strange that I get lonely when I’m out on my own, and yet panic when I’m around too many people. I’m still struggling with constantly parting ways with people I bond with, and having to start over from scratch whenever I reach a new destination. Regardless of how I feel about it, that’s the way it’s going to be for the next 8 months, so I better get used to it.

On the 27th (tomorrow I guess), I fly back out to Mackay for another 6 day stint on the coal trestle. Looking forward to the LOUD NOISES and a daily coal shower. Hopefully there will be fewer delays than last month, as the humpback whale migration has peaked in the GBR and should be steadily dropping over the coming weeks. Once Mackay is over, on the 4th, I’ll spend a few days in Brisbane and then fly out to Perth for a 4 day Gorgon training induction, where I will learn how safety never takes a holiday. After the training is completed I’m off to Barrow Island to start my first swing on the Gorgon project. Basically the Australian government has discovered a massive natural gas reserve offshore of the island, and are developing a berth for cargo ships to dock and load up on the gaseous resource. It just so happens that Barrow Island is an ecologically significant site, covered with nesting Green, Loggerhead, and Hawksbill Turtles, along with countless seabirds. It also sits smack in the middle of the migration corridor of the western Australian humpback population. Hence the need for Marine Fauna Observers. I’ll be based off of a modified cruise ship, and will be transferred each day to one of 2 dredges to monitor for the presence of marine fauna. The work will be 12 hours a day for 4 weeks. I’ll most likely continue this job a month on and off up until next August, unless Dave finds me an offshore trip to work on. I’ll post more details about the job as I learn more.

After Gorgon I’m coming home. I finally gave in and booked my flight to Fresno, even though they charged an outrageous amount of money for it. I fly back on the 17th of December and will be home up until January 7th. I plan to spend about a week camping, a week back home, and a week in Monterey. I was thinking about a road trip to Dallas to see my brosoph (slang for brother), but I just wouldn’t be able to fit everything in. This will possibly be my last time coming home until next August, so I hope to see everyone at some point.

I’ve spent most of today surfing, trying to cram as many waves as I can in before tomorrow. I also decided to shave my face for the first time since I don’t know when. I shaved it in stages, starting with the thin jaw line beard, followed by the fu man chu, then the mustache and flavor savor, mustache minus the flavor saver, then finally the Hitler look. I was thinking about keeping the stache in honor of the pops, but everyone convinced me that I should give it a few years.